Assisted living is a place where an aging parent is surrounded by the support they need to live a healthy, active life. For some people, the decision to move to assisted living was easy or necessitated by declining health. For others, though, the thought of moving to assisted living is so stressful, they won’t even think about it.
But not thinking about assisted living doesn’t mean your parent wouldn’t benefit from it. You want to bring it up but have no idea where to start or how to keep the conversation from spiraling into a huge fight. This guide will help you approach the topic with equal parts love and objective facts to help foster productive discussions.
How to Talk to Parents About Moving Into Assisted Living
For most people, talking to a parent about assisted living is an emotional conversation that can get heated quickly. Parents may feel that you think of them as fragile or incapable and that moving into assisted living means losing their independence. You may feel that your parent is being stubborn or unrealistic about their current situation and their future.
These tips can help you have a conversation based on facts, not feelings, when discussing moving into assisted living with your parent.
Do Your Homework
Long before you talk to your parents about moving into assisted living, do some homework. Learn about the different options for assisted living, like a large facility versus a residential care home, and what short-, medium-, and long-term care options look like.
Also try to get a sense of what assisted living might cost and how you or your parent will pay for it. If you don’t already have access to their finances, that’s fine. Researching the generalities of paying for assisted living can help more directly address their concerns if they arise.
Start at the Right Time
While discussing the move to assisted living may be one you or your parent want to avoid, bringing it up while your parent is still independent and relatively healthy means they can make an informed decision. If your parent has a serious health crisis and suddenly needs more help, neither of you may be thinking clearly, which can lead to arguments or even a breakdown in communication.
Equally important, though, is starting the conversation when things are calm and stress-free. Big family gatherings aren’t the right time or place, and neither is during a stressful time, like when the basement floods.
Include Family
When possible, include other family members, like siblings or close relatives, who are equally concerned about your parent. Presenting a united front in a nonconfrontational manner can help make the case that moving to assisted living makes sense.
This unity is important, though. If different family members have different opinions on the best course of action, it may lead to confusion and fighting among relatives, neither of which will help convince your parent to move to assisted living.
Be Specific
Beginning the discussion with, “I’m worried about you,” is a good place to start, but you need specific examples of what worries you to make those concerns tangible to your parent.
For example, you could mention that you’ve noticed your parent has been late paying or has forgotten to pay the electric bill recently. That’s a good segue into explaining how assisted living includes electricity in their fees and your parent would never have to worry about that.
What’s Important to Them?
As you talk with your parent about moving to assisted living, make sure to ask what’s important to them. Are they worried about finances and paying for assisted living? Do they want to stay close to where they already are to maintain the social connections they have? Do they have pets they want to bring with them, or maybe even get a pet?
Exploring all the details together ensures you and your parent find an assisted living facility that meets their needs and includes the things they want for this next stage of life.
Prioritize Their Needs
Along with understanding what’s important to them, it’s also crucial to prioritize your parent’s feelings, needs, and well-being. While your feelings are important, only focusing on that aspect is unlikely to sway your parent — no matter how well-intentioned. Instead, focus on the benefits of assisted living for your parent to make the case for why they should move.
For example, you may be worried about them driving to and from doctor’s appointments, going to the gym, and getting groceries. Instead of framing your point as, “I’m worried about you driving,” frame it as, “This facility has an on-site gym and provides a free shuttle to the grocery store,” then talk about how they wouldn’t have to worry about filling up or maintaining the car anymore.
Listen More Than You Talk
It’s entirely possible that your parent will want to do a lot of the talking during the conversation, and that’s OK! Your parent might feel they’ll lose their independence in an assisted living facility or be afraid of the concept of going to “an old person’s home.”
This is the time to let your parent experience and explain their emotions and feelings, without dismissing them. Instead of telling them not to worry, validate their concerns. Ask follow-up questions to clarify what they’re saying so you understand their position.
Maybe they don’t want to downsize and get rid of prized possessions, or they’re worried they’ll lose their mental sharpness. Whatever it is, keep the conversation going so you can understand the why and how to address it.
Explore Together
Even if you’ve done a lot of the legwork on your own, go with your parent and tour a number of facilities, so you can both see what they’re like, how they differ, and what they have in common. If your parent is worried, remind them you’re just looking. After touring, you and your parent can talk through everything, make a pros and cons list, or whatever works for both of you.
This step isn’t about signing up or making a decision. It’s about information gathering so you can make an informed decision together.
Be Ready to Talk Again and Again
Accepting that moving to assisted living is the right choice may be difficult for your parent and for you. It may take multiple conversations before your parent even starts listening. Be ready to talk again and again while you and your parent work through everyone’s emotions and concerns.
Small Steps
Because you may have multiple conversations about moving to assisted living, you can use that to your advantage. Instead of having one or even a couple of conversations that cover a lot of information and topics, multiple, smaller conversations allow you to get your point across without overwhelming your parent with too much information.
This approach helps ensure the conversation only has one topic that’s explored as much or as little as it needs to. And because you’re having multiple conversations, your parent and you can think about what was said before the next conversation.
Practice Patience
No matter how many or how few conversations you and your parent have, ultimately moving to assisted living is a big change, so it will likely take some time before they come around. Be patient and supportive throughout every conversation and in between talks. Rushing things for any reason is unlikely to sway your parent and may only make them less receptive to the change.
The Conversation Is Just the Start
No matter why you think a parent could benefit from assisted living, the conversation is just the start. Finding the right facility makes a huge difference in how your parent feels about moving in general and how they adjust to their new environment.
Longhouse Assisted Living Households are thoughtfully designed to make every resident feel welcome and included. Our small, residential model fosters community and connection for every individual, allowing them to feel like they’re living at home, not a huge, impersonal facility.
We know that caring for an aging parent is difficult, but our assisted living households can ease that burden for you. Schedule a tour today and learn how we can help.
